The Secret Garden

 Life is hard as an adult, there are always a million things to worry about all the time. But, it is much harder when you've lived your whole childhood in survival mode. Even as a child, I had to constantly worry about or repress certain things, always scared of making mistakes due to the consequences that followed. There was never room for learning, only punishments. Punishments for being human, for feeling emotions, for making honest mistakes because you're a fucking 10-year-old kid who is learning how to be in the world. Having a bad father doesn't help, and having people try to make you feel guilty for disliking someone that has fucked up your mind your whole life makes it worse.  So as an adult, I have a hard time regulating my own emotions because I was always taught that having feelings like anger and sadness aren't okay, although my dad can feel all the negative things he wants. However, when it comes to me, feeling anger, is a terrible thing even though he'...

 Exams month is here and I feel like I'm drowning in the workload and the pressure of scoring well. The University burdens us with useless things a week before our exams, having us work for months on a file that they don't even look at, writing 20 pages of practicals for the examiner to flip through and ask us one question about it. All of this right before the final exams, and blame us for not studying well for it.  Anyway, whatever the circumstances, I gotta do what I gotta do. Blaming anybody else right now isn't going to help me study and do well in exams, so hopefully writing this out might remind me to take it easy and believe in myself.  Just a few reminders that I need to keep in mind right now: I just need to breathe when I'm anxious. I just need to remind myself of all those times when I hit rock bottom and made it back to the surface. I just need to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and maybe even one breath at a time, but I can do it. It seems l...

 The worst part about feeling numb is that it cuts you off from all the good feelings too. You cannot feel love, happiness, or anything that makes life worthwhile. You just don't feel anything . Going numb is our brain's way of protecting us from the pain, but in doing so, it hides us from the amazing things we are capable of feeling.  It makes me think about how people who are afraid of getting hurt hide themselves from the world, and from love, and in doing so, they miss out on the most important part of life, happiness. Happiness doesn't and cannot exist without sadness and pain. Nothing can exist without its exact opposite also existing. You cannot experience just one thing without knowing what exists on the other end of the spectrum. If you are happy all the time without ever getting sad, that happiness loses its meaning and value.  Everything is balanced by an opposite, which is equal in its intensity. I'm sure feeling numb also has something completely opposite o...

 I think the Sun is a girl, and the moon is a boy. Everyone associates feminine qualities with the moon and masculine qualities with the sun. But I feel like the moon is a guy.  The Moon, with all of his flaws and imperfections, is accepted, admired and doted on by everyone. His flaws and imperfections are what make him beautiful. People always love the moon, no matter how flawed he is.  Whereas the Sun is hated for being herself, and shining bright because she is a star. She is disliked on the days she shines brighter than anything else. People love her only till her light doesn't discomfort them. The second she gets too bright everyone stops liking her, even though it is her light that makes the moon shine, and without her, life wouldn't exist as we know it.  I hope we stop disliking things just because they shine too bright and learn to accept them with their flaws too. 

 Feeling numb is definitely one of the worst feelings to experience. It is worse than any extreme emotion because it means you have felt so much, so much pain, that your brain cannot feel any more. It doesn't want to feel more. It wants to protect itself from the pain that feeling your feelings bring.  It makes you feel as if your whole mind and body is shutting down, you cannot think straight; but at times, even the numbness gets so overwhelming that you cannot think altogether. It seems like you can observe everything happening around you, but cannot be a part of it even if you want to. It feels like your body is here, but your mind is not. But your mind, it's not anywhere else either. It feels like your mind has retreated into a void of its own, one that it cannot escape unless you escape the pain you're in.  Anyway, I hope this feeling doesn't last, and I hope this is just one bad day and doesn't make me go down the rabbit hole again. Maybe I am just having a ba...

I have hated April since 2018. It is my birthday month but I have also hated my birthday since 2018. Ever since then, I have tried, to have a decent birthday, but always something or the other ends up making me dislike this terrible month more and more. And when you do have a good birthday, the memory of it gets tainted because you spent it with a person who later broke you into a million pieces and doesn't even remember fucking up your life.  I have been doing really well for more than a month, and I am sure this rant is just me overreacting to a bad start to an already unlucky month for me. I'm sure I will be back to being excited for my birthday this year because a lot of things have changed for the better since last year. But right now, I am feeling like this month will forever be doomed for me, no matter how amazing I am doing or how good my life is. It is what it is I guess.