The Secret Garden

 I was listening to a song yesterday that reminded me of one of the worst times in my life. It reminded me of all the feelings I felt when I was going through hell. But it also made me realize how far I have come in the journey to heal myself. I saw myself in a different light for the first time in months. I saw myself for who I am becoming, and where I am going, and I liked what I saw.  I never liked myself, I could never accept that I was on the right path, that I was a good person, and that I didn't deserve the things I had been through. But something just clicked inside me yesterday, I saw myself as a good person, doing the best I can to do the right thing, to work hard for my future, yes my determination and hope falter here and there, but I am trying, my level best, giving my best at everything I do, and not settling for less than I deserve. I saw myself as being more confident than I had been in the last few years of my life, more resilient, and much less of a people pl...

 Sometimes I miss the old version of myself; before all the heartbreaks, before all the trauma. I wish I could go back to my old self again, to find that version of me. But I realise that can never happen, it's not possible. Sometimes I think that old version of me still exists somewhere beneath all the pain. But you cannot go back to being a version of you that doesn't exist anymore.  Think of your pain, your heartbreaks and everything you go through as a wound on your skin. With time, that wound heals, and it eventually leaves a scar, that is more or less permanent. You cannot erase that scar, and your skin cannot go back to being how it was before the wound, but your skin adapts around that scar, and soon that scar becomes a part of you and a part of who you are. It becomes a part of your identity.  In the same way, the emotional scars you have, you cannot erase them, undo them, or be who you were before the heartbreak, but you can learn to live with them, adapt yourse...

 I hate people who mess things up and then expect it to go back to normal without talking about it, imagining things will get better just because they are ignoring it. These are the people who never admit they're wrong and never see that they are at fault too, nobody is ever a hundred percent right. They never see that they need to address the issue and apologize for it, even if not apologize, an acknowledgment that they realize how their actions have hurt people and take accountability for it. They just think the problem would be solved if they just try to move past it without actually discussing what went wrong and how they can better prevent it from happening again in the future.  I have lived with such a person for 22 years and it is draining and exhausting. Because you're the one who is left feeling awkward about it till it actually gets better. The other person just gets to go about their day thinking they did nothing wrong, while the other person is left overthinking wh...

 What I find that is unfair is the expectation that people have of you to be always smiling, always kind, always happy, and the expectation to always interact and socialize politely. There is no concept of boundaries or personal space and time. You could be breaking apart on the inside and you still can't appear anything other than what the people want you to be. You are not allowed to set a boundary and say you wish to be left alone for a few hours. Apparently, that is too much to ask for. Even after politely trying to set a boundary a million times, you snap one time and get labeled as rude and a bad person, only for trying to put yourself first. People start to assume there is something wrong with you for wanting time to fix yourself first before succumbing to the impossible standards set by the idiotic society.  This especially sucks for an introvert. Needing time to recharge your social battery is apparently the worst thing you can ask for. It gets you labeled as depresse...

 Taking breaks is supposed to be fun. It is supposed to be relaxing. But sometimes it is so tiring to even take a break and relax, and breaks become more draining than they are de-stressing, because of the guilt that you feel. It feels guilty for taking care of ourselves and giving our bodies and minds the much-needed break we need. You feel the need to earn  the breaks as if making sure our mind and body are well rested isn't reason enough. You just get into the spiral of procrastinating and overthinking if you are doing enough. Even if you want a break and you know you need a break, you just can't seem to enjoy it because you keep feeling that you didn't do enough work to deserve a break.  But it's not true. Everyone deserves a break no matter what. Some people cannot work well under extreme pressure. What might be an optimal amount of pressure to one, could be unbearable for someone else. All those people who keep saying "Diamonds are formed under pressure"...

It is amazing to have someone who loves you. Someone who makes an effort to be together. Someone who does silly things for you and with you. That someone makes the world feel golden instead of grey. It is especially wonderful when you have been heartbroken all your life, and have had relationships where you were the only loving partner. All your life you were painted blue, but then suddenly a person enters your life and turns all your dreams golden, like daylight. And all of a sudden, you feel like you're the only one in this huge world that matters, because of someone who only looks at you in a room full of gems.  And I am so grateful that I have someone like that. Someone who makes me feel like the queen of this world. Someone who makes me want to be better. Someone whose love doesn't distract me, but makes me believe that there is nothing in this world that I can't achieve. He is the one person who will always look at me for me, and see nothing but perfection, even when ...

 Everything in life is temporary. Everything has a beginning and an end. The leaves of a tree, the flowers that blossom, day and night, everything is fleeting the moment it begins. Even life, as we understand it, is brief, short-lived, and momentary in nature. Nothing lasts forever, and that's not a bad thing.  The impermanence of matters not only means that good times will come to an end, but it also means that the bad times won't last either. Life is full of ups and downs, and the dual nature of reality is what gives it meaning. If sadness didn't exist, we would never truly know what it means to be happy. The opposite of everything exists so life becomes meaningful. If there was no grief in the world, even happiness wouldn't exist. We would never know what it means to be truly happy and peaceful if we never experienced pain. Pain is inevitable as we navigate our way through life. You're going to get hurt and cause hurt to people, but it becomes paralyzing when we ...